Hilfe beim letter of motivation - bitte gegenlesen

Hallo!

Ich bewerbe mich für den Studiengang International Business an der FH Hannover und würde gerne wissen, wie ich meinen letter of motivation noch verbessern kann. Bin für jeden Vorschlag dankbar.

Vielen Dank Mima

Dear Sir or Madam,
Herewith I apply for the Bachelor program in International Business Studies at the Fachhochschule Hannover. I am a woman of 20 years living in Petershagen, NRW and just received my “Abitur”. Because I have always been interested in cultures and languages and to have a challenging job, I am of the opinion that studying International Business will help me fulfill my dreams.
I like meeting different people and learn something about their way of life and their traditions. I traveled to a lot of different countries, not just to enjoy the landscape but to meet its inhabitants. An exceptional experience I do not want to miss was my exchange year in Missouri, USA, in 2007/8 which assured my wish to follow an international career. Besides the deep impact this had on my personal development it increased my English skills and made me a lot more mature.
I also decided to study International Business because I like to manage certain things. Organizing the graduation book and the graduation show of my school was something I enjoyed a lot. Working together with different people and having to solve certain problems made me realize that I should be able to tap my full potential in my job.
I am very motivated and open-minded to learn more about economics and how to work with international companies. Surely studying International Business will path me the way to my dream job.

Yours sincerely,

.... comment: ziehmlich gu!

1. kannst ja noch deine Schwerpunkte in der Schule hinzufügen (bestimmt Sprachen 😉)

2. vllt: instead of "and just received my “Abitur”. " I graduated on the XX at XY school with XXXresult

weil just heißt nur, aber du willst sagen kürzlich also "recently" oder so was....

3. Nicht mit "Because" einen Satz einleiten, lieber "'The reason for that decision was/is"...........außerdem passt das "and to have a challanging job nicht in den Satz"

4. It "improved" my english skills nicht "increase"

Drei Absätze beginnen mit "I" - vielleicht nicht
so ideal 😉

Viel Erfolg!
Werner

Dear Sir or Madam,
I hereby apply for the Bachelor program in International Business Studies at the Fachhochschule Hannover. I am a woman of 20 years living in Petershagen, NRW and just got my highschool degree (“Abitur”). Because I have always been interested in cultures and languages and to find a challenging job I would like to study International Business in order to fulfill my dreams.
I enjoy meeting different people and to learn [] about their ways of life and their traditions. I traveled to a number of different countries, not just to enjoy the enviroment but also to meet the people. An exceptional experience I do not want to miss was my exchange year in Missouri, USA, in 2007/8 which strengthened my wish to follow an international career. Besides the deep impact this had on my personal development it increased my English skills and made me a lot more mature.
Also I [] decided to study International Business because I like management. Organizing the graduation book and the graduation show of my school was something I enjoyed a lot. Working together with different people and having to solve certain problems made me realize that I will be able to tap my full potential in my job.
Therefore I can assure you I am very motivated and open-minded to learn more about economics and how to work with international companies. Surely studying International Business will be my path to my dream job.

Yours sincerely,